Project Haunted House Presents: How to Find and Kill a Vampire — Return to Home

Vampire: Vampyr ill artlibre journal. Legend is that the vampire would not pay for the drawing because he did not like the artist's rendering.
These instructions will assist you in your quest to both find and kill this particular blood-sucking member of the undead family. If, of course, you would rather just kill a vampire (assuming you'd rather not find one, or that one has, instead, found you), feel free to ignore the first set of instructions regarding how to find our fangy friends.

Essentially, the task at hand can be boiled down into three apparently simple steps:
  1. Arm yourself with the proper implements
  2. Find the vampire in one of the likely hangouts
  3. Kill the vampire
Unfortunately, dealing with the undead isn't really an intuitive chore for most of us, so we here at Project Haunted House have taken it upon ourselves to provide clear (if lengthy) instructions for how to do each of these steps.

1) Arm Yourself — What You Will Need:
These are tools and items that will make your task much easier to accomplish and will increase your chances of success. This guide highly recommends neither attempting to find nor to kill a vampire without some combination of the implements in the following table (for quick consultation):
Item How to Use It Where to Find It Lethal/Not What It Looks Like Notes
Holy water Douse vampire Local religious supplies store Lethal
bottle of holy water
Buy in bulk
Wooden stake(s) Jab, poke, stab, impale, etc etc Lumber yard, forest, trees in general Lethal
Cedar is preferable
Fire Incinerate vampire Lighter: gas station, grocery store, smoker's outlet; matches also work well, in a pinch. Lethal
Don't catch self on fire; Zippo© is a fine brand.
Knife/axe/hatchet Decapitation Hardware store Lethal
Keep it clean and sharp
Rice or small seeds Distraction Grocery store, plant nursery Not
Buys time
Cloves of garlic Prevention Grocery store Not
clove of garlic
Preventive measure only

Each item's purpose, proper usage, and other notes are expanded below:

2) Finding the Vampire — How To

At this point, we will assume you have acquired one or more of the above-mentioned items. Excellent! Now you are prepared for the next step: finding the vampire(s). If, as mentioned earlier, you do not wish to seek out a vampire OR if a vampire has already found you and you are using this guide only to find out how to kill a vampire, you can skip this section.

A few good places to start looking (or to avoid, but if you wanted to avoid vampires you wouldn't be reading this part, now would you):

There are a few other possible places as well, but these are the most common and most probable.

3) Killing the Vampire — How To

Most of the items listed above will accomplish your goal, assuming that you now have, at this point, a vampire in your presence whom you'd like to demolish as quickly as possible without becoming demolished yourself (congratulations, by the way, on making it this far — if you can still read this, that means you're still alive AND that you still care enough to finish the job and aren't running off madly to parts unknown).

At this point, you probably have all the information you need to complete your task, but we'd like to clear up any confusion. Here are just a few pointers on how to use the tools we've described:

The cloves and seeds/rice will not kill the vampire, so they are not listed here — they are preventive measures only, similar to slicing the hamstrings on a suspected vampire when burying the body to prevent them from rising from the grave.

If you have successfully performed all three steps, your vampire should finally be really dead. Some legends state that the corpse will disappear into ashes; others don't mention any sort of visual cue for death, so if your vampire seems to be dead but hasn't poofed into dust, we suggest dousing them with an accelerant and lighting them on fire, which will, in time, reduce them to ash and all will be well with the world.

At this point, you know all you need to know to find and kill a vampire, and the most useful common tools to do so. The rest will come with experience, and since you've read this guide, you do have some hope of sticking around to gain experience, so kudos for you! Feel free to consult the Glossary of Terms to cross-reference other uses for the above-mentioned items, and if you have any further questions or comments, contact the site maintainer at meghan[dot]armes[at]gmail[dot]com.
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Questions, comments, criticism, praise — make a suggestion or contact the author at: meghan[dot]armes[at]gmail[dot]com.